Here's How to Be More Assertive in Life...According to a Dominatrix

Tactics for gaining assertiveness

It’s true — dominatrixes give the best advice. And they certainly know a thing or two about being dominant. Do you want to learn how to be more assertive in life as a woman? Here are expert tricks according to top dominatrixes.

It’s all about shifting dynamics

If a man makes you feel powerless at any point in time, most dominatrixes suggest you shift the power dynamics. In dominant-submissive relationships, the dominant person focuses their attention on the submissive one. This then makes the submissive person feel uncomfortable and unable to take action.

Are you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable? Then try shifting your attention onto the person who’s making you feel self-conscious. For instance, if someone makes a comment to you, “You look great today! Oh — did I make you nervous?” you can respond, “Where did you get that sweater?” This will shift the attention back to the other person, making them feel self-conscious. This is a social tactic dominatrixes use in their everyday lives to show their assertiveness.

Take back control

In addition to shifting power dynamics at the moment by turning your attention outward, you can also use these tactics to become more assertive in almost any situation:

1. LISTEN

Listening gives you power. Pay attention to what the other person is saying to you. Instead of reacting, ask questions. If you’re actually able to listen to people, it’ll give you a lot more power and control. You’ll be able to argue specific points.

2. LEARN HOW TO SAY NO

This is a huge issue for people who experience difficulties being assertive. They’re usually afraid they’ll come off as mean. But no’s can be positive. Being able to say no allows you to stay true to yourself.

3. MAKE QUICKER DECISIONS

When it comes to making a decision, don’t overanalyze. Instead, listen to your gut and make a decision instantaneously.

4. ESTABLISH CLEAR BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS

People who aren’t assertive have poor boundaries and a lack of expectations. To become more assertive, it’s important that you set up firm boundaries and expectations with others.

5. USE BODY LANGUAGE TO YOUR ADVANTAGE

The first step to becoming more assertive is looking more assertive. Convey confidence through your body language — stand straight with your chin up and shoulders back.

Where’s your attention?

Learning how to become more assertive in life comes down to using inward and outward attention to your advantage. While focusing your attention inward is great when you want to connect with your emotions and intuition, it is not so great when you’re being put on the spot. Inward attention can give a sense of submissiveness and vulnerability. Outward attention, on the other hand, is great in social situations. It’ll make you appear more assertive.

Knowing where your attention is, and where it should be directed, will help you to become more assertive and feel more in control.

References

“5 Ways to Be More Assertive in Your Everyday Life,” Bustle, October 23, 2015.
“A Dominatrix Reveals the Secret to Power Dynamics,” Psychology Today, January 24, 2018.
“Want to Be More Assertive in Life?,” The Guardian, March 30, 2018.