Are You A Supportive Friend?

Step up your friend game

We all have that friend: the one who never texts first, who forgets birthdays and who always relies on you to make plans. Is it you? Are you leaving the majority of the lift to other people and doing the bare minimum to keep your friendships afloat? A supportive friend is one who reaches out, checks in, and follows up. They make other people feel like there’s someone in their corner when life is good or when things get rough. And if you’re wondering why it matters—when you’re a considerate and consistent friend to others, they remember and return the favor. They show up to carry you through the tough times and celebrate the good times, too. Friends help us live longer, healthier lives and add meaning and color to our days. That’s why it’s worth it to try to be the best kind of friend you can be. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you reach out?

Are you a lazy texter—one who never initiates a conversation or the kind who takes days to respond? Maybe you’re someone who only pops up in your friend’s life when there’s a group hang, or you get all your news about them from their Instagram account. Connection is an important part of living a rich, full life. And it only takes a few seconds to fire off a quick text to let someone know you were thinking of them. Think about which friendships you might be phoning in lately, and make a point to hit those people up to grab a coffee, hang in the park or get a happy hour drink. Even sending a funny gif or meme can strengthen the connection between two people, as silly as it may sound.

2. Do you remember the big stuff?

Birthdays, anniversaries, new jobs, new babies. These are all important life milestones and they’re also the connective tissue when it comes to friendship. Consider them low hanging fruit and an easy opportunity to get friend points. If you’re forgetful by nature you’re not alone—that’s the reason calendar reminders exist! Make it a point to plug in these dates for your good friends and send a “Happy [insert milestone event]!” text to let them know you remember the things that matter to them.

3. Do you check in?

Maybe your friend is having a tough time at work or dealing with a sick parent. Maybe they’re going through a break up or just started a big new job. Everyone loves the friend who follows up to find out how things are going. And someday you might be the one with a bad boss/sick parent/new ex. This is one of the best parts of friendship—knowing someone has your back and cares about what’s going on in your world. Maybe your friend is having a really hard time and you don’t know what to say—that’s incredibly common and understandable. Keep it simple with a “Thinking of you” text or even just a heart emoji. Consider it a digital hug—because who couldn’t use that?

4. Are you reliable?

No one is psyched about the person who consistently flakes on plans at the last minute, who never shows up for you, literally or metaphorically. If your friend was in a tough spot, would they be able to count on you? If they invited you to an important event, could they be sure you’d come to support them? This is probably the most crucial way to be a good or bad friend—to show up how and when you say you will. To be consistently true to our word. Every group of friends has at least one person with an unreliable reputation—it may be treated like a joke, but deep down there’s an air of distrust surrounding this person. If you think you’ve flaked more than you’ve been there for people, it’s never too late to do the work to correct that. Being a person of strong character who’s true to their word will serve you in all areas of life, not just friendship.

Friendship is a two-way street

Life is unpredictable and messy, but friendships are the very best part of it. They carry us through the best of times and the worst, too. There’s no secret sauce to being a good friend; it really comes down to care and consistency. The more you show up for the people who make up your world, the more you’ll be loved and supported back. So start racking up those friend points and watch the love roll in.

Elle Kensington is a lifestyle writer based in NYC.