How to Set Boundaries and Why It Matters

A guide to setting better boundaries

“Boundary” is a big buzzword these days, and no doubt you’ve heard it everywhere, from social media to your favorite Netflix drama. It can feel like an empty concept if you don’t see what particular boundaries could serve you in your life, and which ones don’t necessarily apply to you. Boundaries are a key ingredient in maintaining healthy, balanced relationships. This could mean not lending people money, establishing a rule for when and how often you talk to your mom, not going out to dinner with friends if it’s not in your budget, not answering work emails past 6:00 pm, and more. Let’s talk about the most impactful kinds of boundaries and who needs them the most.

In a world that seems like everyone needs something from us, people pleasers end up giving away their time and energy by the truckload. Sound like you? It might be time to set some boundaries around how much of yourself you give to others. Yes, it’s okay if you don’t drive across town to do that thing for a friend. It’s okay if you can’t bake anything for your kid’s school bake sale this year, or if you want to stay in bed and binge movies all weekend instead of going to that birthday picnic. It can be downright freeing to decide not to attend every party, shower and brunch you’re invited to, or say yes to every single question. If you are a chronic people pleaser, chances are people will begin to take advantage of that—and you’re headed to extreme burnout if you don’t learn some boundaries. Luckily, “no” is a complete sentence. Simply say you can’t help out this time and leave it at that (no long explanation required). Once you get a taste of the energy and time you get back by not chasing other people’s needs, you’ll become a big fan of boundaries.

How about the people who are glued to their phones and feel obligated to answer every friend who’s calling to trauma dump, every group text and every meme from their second cousin? Boundaries for the win. Just because we carry our devices with us everywhere we go doesn’t mean everyone deserves full access to us, 24/7. It can be liberating when you realize you don’t have to respond to every single text message STAT or react to DMs or social media comments at the drop of a hat. It can be intoxicating to tell your teammates you need your evenings to recharge for work the next day instead of jumping on every Slack or email that pops up on your phone. Try leaving your phone in another room to set a precedent (both with yourself AND everyone else), and lean into those Do Not Disturb features to practice taking your time and attention back. That way, your phone can be more than just an Obligation Box.

Relationship boundaries, anyone? When it comes to setting boundaries, these might be the most important, and yet they’re also the ones that can lead to the most guilt. If you don’t want to spend every second of every day with your boyfriend or girlfriend, it doesn’t mean you love them any less. Stress the importance of having a healthy amount of time apart so the time you have together is more meaningful. Setting limitations on access to each other’s phone or email is a healthy boundary, as is clearly spelling it out when you’re not ready to discuss something or want physical space for a while. Remember that it all comes down to clear, healthy communication and that what you need one day might not be what you need the next. Once boundaries are in place, they can be adjusted as needed.

Practicing boundaries can feel foreign at first, and you might feel uncomfortable asking for what you need. But the truth is, the reward can have a huge impact on your mental health and make your life manageable in tons of ways you might not see coming. It’s time to take your power (and your energy) back and see how much healthier life can be.

Elle Kensington is a lifestyle writer based in NYC.